PTSD, Depression, social anxiety and more are just some of the mental issues I have. No, it's not me showing off but these are the scars that I earned through my years of growing up.
Today, I finally came to terms that the father I have is a toxic parent. How do I know? I researched about it.
You can read more about what a toxic parent is like here.
So now that I'm aware I'm never going to be happy living in this house with my toxic parent, what should I do?
A very honest answer, I cried a lot. I've relapsed into depression as a contributing factor to all the unhappiness I've been feeling lately. Just so you know, I talk about my father a lot. He's a great man and honestly, if it wasn't for his personality, he could have been the perfect human. Thankfully, everyone's a little flawed so I have a reason to actually dislike some things in life I've been disagreeing with ever since I was in kindergarten.
Unlike my mother who was made to look like the 'bad parent' in our eyes, my father has never once supported my dreams to become a writer. Think passive-aggressive, think emotional manipulation when it comes to doing what I love. Many of you ask why I have a degree in business management and worked in finance when I'm obviously born to be a writer. I guess you have your answer now.
It hit me hard in 2020 that I'll never be able to become the kind of writer I want to be because I've been holding back all this time. I just felt the constant need to please my father just so he doesn't go ballistic and kick me out or disown me. I'm at his mercy living in this house and believe me... if I had the financial means to move away, I would.
Apart from making me get into the deal of needing to give up writing and find a 'real job' if I don't make the cut as a writer earning 'full-time wages' by the end of this year, my father has also 'challenged' me to make $500k by the age of 30. After thinking about it for months, I think it's time to tell myself that enough is enough. I will draw the line here. Making money is nice but this isn't the lifestyle I need in order to be happy.
It took me a while to understand that the happiness of any creative individual is to live in their world of creation. Asking me to abandon writing, music and the arts, in general, is akin to killing my soul. I'm not doing this again. I want out.
I guess if someone told me to choose between my love for arts and my toxic parent, I will choose the arts. Don't hate me for this, it's the only natural course of action for someone who has to put up with so much abuse for years and did her best at trying to make things work. It takes two to clap and just having me 'put effort' into mending this toxic lifestyle and attitude is not going to work out, ever.
What's my next plan?
After talking to my BFF and a bunch of people I trust including my mother, I came to the conclusion that I don't have to be rich but I need to be income sufficient to move out, hopefully permanently. I need a place to put my piano, start my record and writing studio as well as a place to sleep. It means, we might be bringing back office /lab v2.0 but this time, under my name instead without my brother treating me like pathetic trash with only a cardboard box for a desk. It also means I'm going to have to throw or give away my book collections. Possibly cosplay collections but I'll think about it when it's time to move.
How long would it take for me to actually prepare everything to move out? It depends on how quick I get a job and if the relationship with my close friend works out next year. There are many variables to a plan but for now, earning a minimum of 20k to beef up my very depleted bank account sounds like a good goal.
That's all from me. I won't make this into a vlog on my Youtube channel but if you want me to share a little more, you can let me know during one of my live writing streams.