How I'm So Done with my Toxic Parent

 PTSD, Depression, social anxiety and more are just some of the mental issues I have. No, it's not me showing off but these are the scars that I earned through my years of growing up.

Today, I finally came to terms that the father I have is a toxic parent. How do I know? I researched about it.

You can read more about what a toxic parent is like here.

So now that I'm aware I'm never going to be happy living in this house with my toxic parent, what should I do?

A very honest answer, I cried a lot. I've relapsed into depression as a contributing factor to all the unhappiness I've been feeling lately. Just so you know, I talk about my father a lot. He's a great man and honestly, if it wasn't for his personality, he could have been the perfect human. Thankfully, everyone's a little flawed so I have a reason to actually dislike some things in life I've been disagreeing with ever since I was in kindergarten.

Unlike my mother who was made to look like the 'bad parent' in our eyes, my father has never once supported my dreams to become a writer. Think passive-aggressive, think emotional manipulation when it comes to doing what I love. Many of you ask why I have a degree in business management and worked in finance when I'm obviously born to be a writer. I guess you have your answer now.

It hit me hard in 2020 that I'll never be able to become the kind of writer I want to be because I've been holding back all this time. I just felt the constant need to please my father just so he doesn't go ballistic and kick me out or disown me. I'm at his mercy living in this house and believe me... if I had the financial means to move away, I would.

Apart from making me get into the deal of needing to give up writing and find a 'real job' if I don't make the cut as a writer earning 'full-time wages' by the end of this year, my father has also 'challenged' me to make $500k by the age of 30. After thinking about it for months, I think it's time to tell myself that enough is enough. I will draw the line here. Making money is nice but this isn't the lifestyle I need in order to be happy. 

It took me a while to understand that the happiness of any creative individual is to live in their world of creation. Asking me to abandon writing, music and the arts, in general, is akin to killing my soul. I'm not doing this again. I want out.

I guess if someone told me to choose between my love for arts and my toxic parent, I will choose the arts. Don't hate me for this, it's the only natural course of action for someone who has to put up with so much abuse for years and did her best at trying to make things work. It takes two to clap and just having me 'put effort' into mending this toxic lifestyle and attitude is not going to work out, ever.

What's my next plan?

After talking to my BFF and a bunch of people I trust including my mother, I came to the conclusion that I don't have to be rich but I need to be income sufficient to move out, hopefully permanently. I need a place to put my piano, start my record and writing studio as well as a place to sleep. It means, we might be bringing back office /lab v2.0 but this time, under my name instead without my brother treating me like pathetic trash with only a cardboard box for a desk. It also means I'm going to have to throw or give away my book collections. Possibly cosplay collections but I'll think about it when it's time to move.

How long would it take for me to actually prepare everything to move out? It depends on how quick I get a job and if the relationship with my close friend works out next year. There are many variables to a plan but for now, earning a minimum of 20k to beef up my very depleted bank account sounds like a good goal.

That's all from me. I won't make this into a vlog on my Youtube channel but if you want me to share a little more, you can let me know during one of my live writing streams.

I Have High Functioning Depression

 For those of you who don't really know what it is, think of it as depression but for people who seem completely normal on the outside who don't have depression. Except, it's all a huge lie and they are actually broken on the inside.

You can read more with this article to understand how people with high functioning depression get through life.

For the longest time, I struggle with chronic depression all my life even as a child. From a very young age, I understood many things and some days I am saner than others.

This Christmas, I believe many people who have seen my post on Patreon will question if I'm alright.

Well, I'm not exactly alright because I wish 2021 never comes. That way, I can write forever in my dream as a full-time writer. Some of you already know but this year, dad made me take on a wager to earn USD1,500 every month from writing by the end of the year in order to 'allow' me to continue chasing the dream as a writer. Naturally, most of you would know that it was an impossible and unfair wager from the start. It's all a plot by dad to get me out of the house and into the hated society to earn money like a 'normal' person.

With the end of the year pulling up and so many things that I want to do left unfulfilled, it's only natural the depression starts to kick in again. Every morning I wake up with the feeling of wanting to cry and maybe kill myself. The end of the year approaching only means this feeling becomes stronger. I wish next year never comes so that I can continue writing full-time just like what I wanted.

It's not practical in Singapore! Yes, I hear you. Logically, even I know this cannot be helped. However, emotionally, you need to know that the life and soul and purpose of existence for someone who has devoted their entire self to the arts is only alive when they are creating something in that space. I cannot explain how painful this is, going back into society and working for the sake of money. Why do I need money to live when I don't feel alive? It's a strange question that goes in a cycle, unanswered.

Yet, there's nothing I can really do about this. Hence, I made it a point this Christmas to reach out to all the people who have accompanied me on this amazing journey to thank them. I might not be able to do this next year, I might die early from sadness, it might kill me to go back to the society and leave the arts behind so I'd like this to at least be something to those who mattered most to me as a writer.

I've been happy while it lasted despite how tough it was. Yet, I don't regret anything I've done so far in my fleeting writing career. Thank you for sticking with me. I love you guys, you'd always have a place in my tiny army. Happy holidays and Merry Christmas.

Job Seeking - A Career Change?

 So I failed the impossible deal with dad, unsurprisingly. I didn't have my break and Tapas rejected E-Ghost. Hence, I'm just going to upload some form of promo on it and be done.

Many people ask me what I'm going to do now. I think it should be a no-brainer that I need money. Hence, I'll have to find a job.

As for what kind of job? I was thinking of applying for something that isn't finance but then I realised that in Singapore, if you don't have the certification, you'd be unable to do many things.

I've applied for several music jobs as well as editor jobs because content writing is just not something I'll appreciate. Killing my brain cells and having none left to do my serial works after work is just a no-go. I want a brain dead job that doesn't deal with numbers as much. The best would be to look for something that doesn't need actual interactions too.

I've applied through various job portals and honestly? I don't really know what kind of pay I should be expecting. I'm also not particularly thrilled with having to go back into the workforce again, hence my slight depression and inability to craft new works. Time Cross Academy is on temporary hiatus because of this. I simply cannot find myself getting lulled into the fiction world I've created despite the growing number of Patreon supporters.

I still have some savings left so I'm not too worried but I don't really know what's going to happen in 2021. Whichever it is, I guess I'll try to find something I don't absolutely hate in life to do in exchange for money. I'm not going to sell my soul again, it isn't worth it.

Becoming a Qualified Driver on the Road

I did tell myself that if I failed this time, I'm not going to retake it. By some plan of unknown forces, I passed. It might be a borderline pass but it was still a pass, regardless. I think the tester went easy on me partially because it was raining. Got to thank the lucky stars for watching over me.

I couldn't sleep the whole of last night thanks to the anxiety of the re-test and honestly, I wasn't expecting to pass. I made a lot of mistakes on the road and I thought I was going to fail. The tester was checking off so many boxes for demerits and mistakes on his marker's paper that I thought it was the end for me.

Yet when he told me in a very calm and neutral point that I passed it took me five minutes for the news to settle in my head. All the suppressed anxiety came back and I lost the strength in my legs and hands for a good ten minutes or so while I texted everyone the good news. I honestly don't want to do this ever again in my life, but I'm very happy I overcame my mental spatial disability and vertically challenged body to get this license now.

I guess once I finish editing the song parody for Love Journal, I will head to sleep early. I'm skipping workout today but I will resume tomorrow and do it seriously now that I don't have to leave my house for anything important like driving lessons for the rest of the month. I'm hoping to wrap up whatever I couldn't finish before and start looking out for interesting jobs.

Do look out for an announcement about my new song parody based on my original stories or subscribe to my Youtube Channel.

Before the Driving Retest

 It's 2 days before my driving exam retest. I failed it once and I'm not sure if I will pass it this time.

To be very honest, I think I did really well so far. Despite my lack of spatial talents and being vertically challenged, I can park a car now. It's a 50/50 hit and miss thing so I'm not very confident.

I really don't think I will be putting that license to any practical use in the future even if I get it because cars in Singapore are too expensive to afford. Not to mention, the public transport is very convenient. I also stay at home most of the time.

It was scary on Thursday when I went for my one final lessons before the test on Monday. The instructor was being nice and I did strike the kerb once after a parallel park. I don't want to go back for more classes even if I fail and I'm resolved to not touch driving again if I don't make it.

It's been a long journey. Slightly more than a year since I started. To be honest, all motivation for getting the license have been lost on me ever since March. Covid wasn't the driving point but it contributed. No pun intended.

The purpose of needing a license was because I was dating someone from Australia and intended to move there with them before we broke up. Now that I don't need that license for any practical purpose it's just vanity certification. Yet, the idea of going for any test at all scares me.

For as long as I remember, I've never been good with practical exams. I didn't do very well with my music exams either because I had to play for a stranger. I completely lost 70% of my abilities so going for the driving exam the second time is a big deal. Perhaps this is part of social anxiety? I'm not too sure. According to personality tests, I'm not 100% introverted. If anything, I think I might be an ambivert. I shouldn't have social anxiety issues.

That said, I guess I can only find out what happens when Monday comes. I might pass, I might fail but whichever the case, I will buy some gifts to deliver to the driving school. This driving instructor worked hard. I cannot tell you how much damage I've done to his car for the past 30 lessons or so. I'm also probably the only student who have taken classes with the private school for close to 50 lessons.

I hope he doesn't mind biscuits. I know the brand he likes to eat, I've seen them in his car and I know where to find them in the supermarkets.

Wish me luck! Till Monday...

Anxiety for Happy Endings

 I had no idea how scary this could be. I can't write happy endings because all I have in my head are scenarios of me possibly shattering in the new relationship meant to happen in 2021.

I don't know how to say this the right way but I might have never loved any of the people I dated before. At the very least, I never feared potential break up situations. I never cared if I wasn't loved in return or hated. I just didn't care.

But this time, I don't know. Waiting 10 years for this to finally happen made me wish I'd just let it be and never spoke of it again. Yet when I finally had him agreeing to go out with me, I wish he hadn't agreed to this. Perhaps I should be better off just thinking about it and liking him from afar as a friend. Perhaps I should but I couldn't resist. It's my fault I'm in this situation.

I've started crying on my own for days now just thinking about it as January 2021 draws closer. It is December 2020 now. What if I can't successfully convey myself? I know I'll be fucking it up big time by being me but this is like a trainwreck I can't stop.

I've never been this concerned about knowing if my feelings would ever be returned but now, I think I want an assurance that everything would be alright. I wonder if it would be ok to be the villainess in the novels and trap the main character in a tower just because I like them. Probably not but I'm seriously considering that idea.

What am I saying? I think I'm no good right now. I deleted a ton of blogs and redid this because I needed to get this out and focus on my work. If this rant that's published to the world to just watch a deranged woman falling in love makes anyone's day, that works too.

2 more chapters before I'm done with E-Ghost. I need to start stocking for Ball of Nothing. Whatever.

To whoever reads this, please don't tell my Love Journal muse about it. He's the one I'm going to date. You're free to laugh at my misery and share this privately to everyone else. At the very least I know my misery has served some good for others.

I feel slightly saner, this blog was a good idea for now. And in a few years when I return, I might just delete this out of shame. But for now, I'm glad I did this. Why pay for a psychologist when I can do blogging as free therapy? I just don't get humans these days.